


Small, Definite Happiness ▲ 小確幸 (소확행)

by thesugar



Series: Life Theatre [2]
Category: EXO (Band), Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Character Death, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-09-22
Packaged: 2020-09-19 04:08:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20324860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesugar/pseuds/thesugar
Summary: The heart is a delicate organ, as is the metaphorical heart, Baekhyun learns while mourning the loss of his loved one.But the heart is also the most powerful organ in the body, as is the metaphorical heart, as Baekhyun will also soon learn while falling for someone who tries to open up his closed heart.And Baekhyun will eventually realize that despite all that he has lost, happiness has not left him, because sometimes, they are found in the smallest things.And as Joy always says, “happiness is a state of mind.”





	1. the heart that kills

**Author's Note:**

> I write this story in dedication to all the silent mentors; thank you for your selflessness to the medical community and to humanity.
> 
> \---
> 
> What does Small, Definite Happines (小確幸 / 소확행) mean?  
“The phrase, which means “small but certain happiness,” … simply refers a small piece of happiness that can be easily found in daily life. The concept of the keywords were first introduced in a 1986 essay by Japanese author Murakami Haruki called “Afternoon in the Islets of Langerhans,” where he described a small piece of happiness as eating a freshly-baked loaf of bread with one’s hands, seeing neatly folded underwear in a drawer, wearing a new shirt that smells like clean cotton and letting a cat enter into a bed with a rustling sound.”  
– Park Ju-young, 11 March 2018, The Korean Herald
> 
> \---
> 
> This fic is cross-posted on AFF.

▲

Baekhyun woke up to find himself in the hospital, lying on a bed by the window and on bed sheets of a sickly pale pink colour. The usual grey jumper and sweatpants that he always wore at home had been replaced with worn-out yellow hospital pajamas. He was still feeling lightheaded, almost like his head was floating; yet at the same time he could feel himself very much grounded onto the sheets, limbs too heavy to move.  
  
As his eyes became accustomed to the light around him, he started scanning his surroundings. Green curtains that did not match the sheets were drawn around his bed for privacy, as were the yellow curtains along the window, but he could still see the bright afternoon sunlight seeping through the curtains.  
  
He could also see Jongdae sitting in the chair by his bedside, eyes closed, probably taking an afternoon nap. Despite the weight in his limbs, he tried to prop himself up silently, only to realize that he was hooked to a drip. It was not long before his movements woke his friend up.  
  
“You’re finally awake,” was the first thing Jongdae said to him. “Kyungsoo and I were so worried for you.”  
  
Baekhyun did not know how to reply, so he just looked up at Jongdae without uttering a single sound. The silence was deafening, to say the least; Baekhyun was not usually a quiet person, as anyone acquainted with him could attest to.  
  
But today was not any normal day; it was 23 days after Minseok’s departure and Baekhyun still did not know how he should be reacting. It was unfamiliar, the feeling of losing someone you were not meant to lose, for Minseok was a healthy young adult with a bright future in front of him.  
  
_Of all people, why Minseok?_  
  
It was a question that Baekhyun had been asking himself every day for the past 23 days. Slowly, he could feel his eyes welling up again. He bit his lips, trying to will himself not to cry. But as he wordlessly continued to look at Jongdae, who was now looking at him with pity in his eyes, Baekhyun could feel the tears getting heavier.  
  
_Heavier and heavier, until they threaten to fall._  
  
But he could not bring himself to cry, again, so he closed his eyes instead. “Please don’t cry,” Baekhyun could hear Jongdae say, his voice strained just like how Baekhyun was straining to not cry. “The doctor said you mustn’t cry anymore, your heart is very weak now. Any more crying and the consequences might be more than just fainting…  
  
_I don’t want to lose you too, Baekhyun._”  
  
Of course, Baekhyun could understand how Jongdae was feeling right now. Minseok’s passing would be just as shocking for Jongdae as it was for him; it was shocking for everyone who knew Minseok.  
  
_So he shouldn’t be selfish; he was not the only person mourning._  
  
“Okay,” Baekhyun said softly. He tried to will himself to give Jongdae a smile, but the corners of his lips would not rise, no matter how hard he tried. So he did the next best thing that he knew he could do.  
  
“I’ll try my best to live, I promise you,” Baekhyun said after a while. “Thank you,” it took a long while before Jongdae would reply, tears welling up in his eyes too.  
  
_“Thank you for trying.”_

▲

“How are you feeling today, sir?” Baekhyun heard a chirpy, young female say. He did not know of anyone who had a voice like that, so he looked up to search for the owner of the voice.  
  
As usual, he saw his attending physician of the past week, Dr Kim Joonmyun, a young man in his late 20s, looking at him. But today was slightly different, as standing beside Dr Kim was the owner of the chirpy voice – a young girl who looked like she was no more than 21. She was wearing similar navy coloured physician robes as Dr Kim, but she did not have a nametag, and Baekhyun guessed she was probably either an intern or a medical student.  
  
Unsure of what to say, Baekhyun did not reply, neither did he acknowledge Dr Kim’s presence. It would be a lie to say that he was feeling good, or even just better than yesterday – every day for the past 4 weeks had been the same miserable day. But it also was not like he was unwell the way he had been last Tuesday when he fainted. So he decided that it would be better if he simply did not reply.  
  
Thankfully, Dr Kim did not seem to be expecting any response, though Baekhyun swore he saw the young girl purse her lips and pout for a second or two, before she erased any emotions and put up a smiley face again.  
  
Meanwhile, the young male doctor lifted the clipboard that was hung on the wall beside the bed to check on his patient’s current situation.  
  
“The blood pressure has risen back up. The latest reading that the nurse did just an hour ago was 95/70. It’s still borderline low, but already much better than the other day,” Dr Kim started speaking, eyes still looking at the data on the clipboard, most likely speaking to his young medical student who was furiously taking notes on her own clipboard.  
  
“In yesterday’s echocardiogram, it seems like there was complete resolution of the apical wall motion abnormality and the depressed LVSF. The ST-segment was normal too… I think,” Dr Kim paused for a while as he now looked up to make eye contact with his patient. “You should be ready to return home soon, Baekhyun,” he said with a gentle, reassuring smile.  
  
Baekhyun nodded his head silently to acknowledge his doctor. “Would it be tomorrow?” He asked with a tinge of uncertainty after a moment of silence.  
  
“We’ll do one more echocardiogram this afternoon to confirm the findings. Miss Sooyoung,” Dr Kim pointed to the girl beside him while talking, “will go with you to the lab later. There will be a proper cardiologist who will review your angiogram results. Once he clears your report, you can be discharged from the hospital tomorrow morning.”  
  
“Okay,” Baekhyun said, nodding his head again as he saw Dr Kim put the clipboard back in its rightful position. Just before leaving, Dr Kim suddenly spoke again.  
  
“But Baekhyun,” the young doctor looked at his patient. “Your condition – I think you know better than anyone else what aggravated it. Please take care of yourself and try your best to manage your emotions.”  
  
Baekhyun nodded silently again, but did not look at his doctor. Truth be told, he was not sure how he should feel about returning home. Returning to the comforts of his home was much welcomed of course; the hospital had its inconvenience. But going home meant facing the truth – the truth that he would never ever see Minseok in the place that he – they – calls home.  
  
_Can he still call that place ‘home’ then?_

▲

_Thump. Thump. Thump._  
  
Baekhyun could hear the rhythmic sound of his heart pounding against his rib cage as he laid on the cool marble floor. He stared up at the ceiling fan, watching the blades turn into a whirling haze. The living room windows were ajar – Kyungsoo had opened it to freshen up the stuffy apartment that had been uninhabited for the past week – and Baekhyun could feel the dry summer heat on his arms.  
  
But slowly, as the ceiling fans remained a whirling haze, as the second and minute hands of the large clock in the living room ticked, he could feel the warm evening breeze cool down. And with every rotation that the fan blades made, he could feel his heartbeat becoming in sync with the oscillating fan.  
  
Dr Kim had discharged him from the hospital that morning with medications – _just in case his emotions get the better of him_, Dr Kim had said – and Jongdae and Kyungsoo came to fetch him home. They asked if he wanted company for that evening, or longer if needed, now that he was alone in the apartment without Minseok. But Baekhyun felt that he needed some alone time, so he politely declined.  
  
Though worried and reluctant, they respected his wishes and left, but not before Jongdae handled him a grey envelope from the medical school that Minseok had been attending.  
  
“They came to look for you yesterday; I think they had been trying to contact you for a while already. I told them you were hospitalized and they handled me this envelope, so I accepted it on your behalf.”  
  
Baekhyun took the envelope quietly; he seemed to know what the contents were even without opening it. But he was not ready to open it in front of his friends, so he just placed it on the coffee table and saw his friends out.  
  
“Take care,” Kyungsoo said just before leaving, pulling Baekhyun into a hug. “I’ll see you at work next Monday.” Baekhyun nodded, tightening the embrace between them. Jongdae patted his head gently and said, “take your meals on time, I’ll come and check on you again over the weekend.”  
  
The envelope was still sitting on the coffee table that was just a few steps away from him. The sun had set by now, and from where he was lying, Baekhyun could see through his windows the last bit of orange hues that were still visible in the distant sky. It was the same sky as what he saw a month ago, but it was now a different life from a month ago.  
  
Slowly, he propped himself up and reached out for the envelope. _To the family members of the late Kim Minseok_, the grey envelope had addressed in white ink. Looking at his hyung’s name, Baekhyun could not help but to trace his fingers over his name, _over and over again_. When he had traced it enough times, he flipped over the envelope and opened it. There was a white postcard with details of the memorial service printed in black.  
  
At the start of winter, the card had detailed, they will hold a small memorial service for Minseok and the others, in recognition of their selflessness for the medical community. Family members were invited to submit requests for how they wanted the memorial service to be conducted, and the school would do whatever necessary to meet these requests. It was after all, the last thing that they could do for the most selfless mentors before they depart this world.  
  
Baekhyun silently put the card back into the envelope and placed it over his chest, Minseok’s name facing his heart, before closing his eyes. He thought back about everything that happened over the past month – about the morning of Minseok’s departure and how he left the apartment in a hurry, about Minseok’s last text message to him about going home earlier that evening and bringing Kyungsoo along, and lastly, about the call from the hospital telling him to go down immediately.  
  
_Every inch of his heart was aching again_, Baekhyun could feel it, as he scrambled to reach for the medications that Dr Kim had prescribed. He regretted not giving Minseok a hug that morning just because he was late for work; he regretted not replying Minseok’s text message until after lunch, _when the incident had already happened_, just because he had a difficult client to handle that morning. And most of all, _by no fault of his_, he regretted not being able to see Minseok in his last moments.  
  
As the tears trickled down his face, then flowed faster and faster, and eventually dripped onto the cool marble floor, Baekhyun does not think he can bring himself to attend the memorial service and to see Minseok for that last time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not medically trained, even though I kind of work in the medical industry, so there may be errors in how I portray the resolution of Minseok’s condition. Whatever I have put in here are to the best of my knowledge. Please feel free to point out if any of the medical logic in the plot is flawed. Thank you!


	2. the heart that fears

◆

Towards the end of the hot Korean summer, Sooyoung found herself sitting in a sparsely filled lecture hall, waiting for the first lecture of Anatomy & Physiology to start. There was only a handful of them in the hall, but the excitement from her classmates was visible. Rumours were abound over the summer holidays that this was the first anatomy module in their school that included dissection. However, Sooyoung was not at all excited; she had always felt a little queasy about cutting up bodies.  
  
Before she could dwell further on that thought, the noise started to die down as Dr Kim Joonmyun – the lecturer for this module, and her mentor at the hospital during her summer internship – walked into the lecture hall. A young lady who looked about their age followed closely as they both stepped onto the lecture platform in front of the students.  
  
“Settle down please,” Dr Kim started the class by saying. “I would like to start by telling you that Anatomy & Physiology will be slightly different from all your other classes. Firstly, this is a practical module, which means you will be graded for hands-on work. The reason for this, as some of you might know, is that we will be doing dissection in this module so we can better understand human physiology. The ten of you were nominated to attend this module as you are in the top of your cohort, so I expect all of you to perform well in this course. Also, each of you will be working individually throughout the class. Now, Miss Kang Seul Gi here, who some of you might already know as our respected medical illustrator, will be helping me with this semester’s class, so she will run through the ground rules with you. Please pay close attention…”  
  
As Dr Kim stepped off the lecture platform to let the younger girl take her place, Sooyoung could feel her stomach churning. The thought of facing a cadaver for the next 10 weeks was daunting; the awareness that she would be cutting up a person who was ever loved by another as a child, as a parent, or as a lover was too close for comfort.  
  
“… Lastly, when you go to your assigned platforms, you will also find a portrait of your cadaver at the platform that you will be working at. I hope this serves as a good reminder to all of you that the cadaver you are assigned was once living, just like you and me, so please treat them with utmost respect. Does anyone have any questions?” Silence ensued in the lecture hall as the students just stared at each other. No one else spoke except Seul Gi, “since there are no questions, I will start by assigning the platforms to each of you. Kim Donghae, platform 1, Kim Jungmun, platform 2… Park Sooyoung, platform 9, and lastly, Son Seungwan, platform 10. Let’s go to our assigned spots now.”  
  
With a heavy heart, Sooyoung reluctantly got up from her seat and moved slowly, behind the rest of her classmates. From the back of the line, she could see everyone slowly streaming out of the lecture hall to walk to the dissection room next door. She could also see Dr Kim frowning, as the gap between her and the student in front of her widened. “Hurry, Sooyoung,” she heard him say. She could only nod as she forced herself to catch up.  
  
The dissection room was white and pale and sickly, but it was fitting of the room’s function. From where she was, at the front of the room, she could see ten cadavers lying on ten platforms, though they were all covered by white cloth, something that she was thankful for. Her platform was at the back of the room, but it was a small room, and she knew that whatever she dreaded would eventually come in the next 30 steps.  
  
Her cadaver looked to be about her height, but she had no way of telling if her cadaver was a male or a female. There was a photo frame beside the platform, along with a sealed Manila folder, but Seul Gi had placed it facing downwards on purpose, leaving the students to find out the identities of their cadavers when they were ready. With a deep breath, Sooyoung picked up the Manila folder and opened it, pulling out the profile information slowly.  
  
_Name: Kim Minseok _  
_ Age at death: 30 _  
_ Cause of death: Sudden cardiac death from cardiac arrest, but no prior known cardiomyopathy condition_  
  
Sooyoung could feel her heartbeat hasten. It was a name she was familiar with, but it was also an extremely common name, so she willed herself not to overthink.  
  
_Profile: He leaves behind an adopted younger brother, aged 27._  
  
There was nothing much on the profile of her cadaver, but from her peripheral vision, she could see that Seungwan’s cadaver, which was to her right, had a much lengthier profile. There was nothing else to read in the Manila folder, which meant the dreaded moment to lift the cloth and the photo frame had finally come. With trembling hands, she reached out for the photo frame first.  
  
Her heart almost stopped. It was a photo that she was familiar with, one that she had seen before, for it was a photo that she had taken. She could feel the blood draining from her face and the cold intensifying. Her hands still trembling, she lifted one corner of the cloth. And when she saw the familiar face appearing from under the cloth, that kind looking face was the last thing she saw that day.

◆

When Sooyoung came to consciousness again, she found herself lying in the sickbay of her medical school. A huge single fan hung from the ceiling and whirled slowly, doing little to cool the stuffy air. Her eyes struggled to focus, and she could not reach for her glasses anywhere, but she could briefly make out the silhouette of two females in the room with her.  
  
Her throat was dry and itchy, but it was difficult to cough while lying down, so she struggled to prop herself up on her elbows. Eventually she managed to get up, after catching the attention of the other two females in the room.  
  
“Sooyoung, you are awake,” a familiar voice said, but she could not make out who this person was. “Here,” the voice said again, hands reaching out with her glasses and a bottle of water, each in one hand. Vision fixed, Sooyoung could see that it was Seul Gi who had spoken to her, and beside her was the school’s Head Nurse.  
  
“What happened?” She managed to ask after getting some water down her throat.  
  
The Head Nurse and Seul Gi exchanged looks, seemingly hesitant to talk. “What do you last recall seeing?” Seul Gi asked softly.  
  
For a while, she struggled to recall what she was doing before this. She vaguely remembered being in a lecture hall, then following behind her classmates into an unfamiliar white, sickly-looking room. That room had a faint smell of formaldehyde, like what people used when embalming cadavers-  
  
_Then it suddenly hit her._  
  
She had been looking at the preserved body of Minseok sunbae before she fainted. She had found out that the cadaver that she had to work with in Anatomy & Physiology class for the next ten weeks was her beloved cardiology professor and medical school senior.  
  
She did not know what was worse, the knowledge that Minseok sunbae was lying there motionless or the realisation that she had to cut him up. It did not help that she did not know about his passing; she had not even heard rumours about it, which was actually not the least bit surprising, considering there had not been a funeral, _yet_.  
  
“Sooyoung, are you okay?” Seul Gi asked again. “Do you recall anything happening before you fainted?”  
  
“Minseok sunbae,” Sooyoung found herself saying, tears brimming in her eyes. “Minseok sunbae was lying there… I can’t- I couldn’t bring myself to believe whatever I was seeing.”  
  
“Did you know about Professor Kim Minseok’s passing before this?” Seul Gi asked.  
  
Sooyoung shook her head. She had not heard any rumours from her classmates or colleagues at the hospital. But she figured it would have also been difficult for her to find out, because halfway into her two-month long summer internship at the university hospital, Minseok sunbae had left for his summer break.  
  
“Miss Seul Gi, do you know what happened to Minseok sunbae? Why- I don’t recall him having cardiomyopathy. How could he have passed away from sudden cardiac death? It doesn’t make any sense at all!”  
  
Sooyoung could feel the tears pooling in her eyes. She found it unfair, _so unfair_, that someone as bright and kind-hearted as Minseok sunbae had to leave so early in this life, when he still had such a bright future.  
  
“I am so sorry, Sooyoung, but no one really knows exactly what happened,” Seul Gi said as she reached out to hug the now crying girl in front of her. “According to his friends who were with him when he was sent to the hospital, Professor Kim Minseok had been playing soccer when he got hit by the ball around his chest and lost consciousness. Dr Kim Joonmyun suspects it’s because his heart was hit during the vulnerable period and it triggered a V-fib, leading to cardiac arrest.”  
  
“But that is so unfair! He did nothing to deserve the trigger!” Sooyoung was now sobbing even harder. It was difficult enough to accept Minseok sunbae’s passing, it was even harder to know that it was an accident.  
  
“Unfortunately, sometimes bad things happen to us by no fault of ours,” Seul Gi said softly after a while, patting Sooyoung gently on her back. “I am here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on; you’ll feel better if you let out all of your emotions.”  
  
And that Sooyoung did, for it was the only response she could force herself to come up with right now.

◆

When Sooyoung left school that day, she took a long walk back home instead of taking the subway. She needed time to herself, time to think. Seul Gi had stayed with her for a whole two hours before leaving for a meeting, but it was not before the young illustrator told Sooyoung think about what she had to do in the next ten weeks.  
  
“We can’t change things that have already happened, Sooyoung. I too think that it is so unfair that he had to leave, but these are just my thoughts, and having these thoughts do not change the fact that he is gone. What can change is the future, and what can change the future are our thoughts,” Sooyoung recalled looking up at the medical illustrator when she said this. Seul Gi’s tone was soft and gentle as usual, but there was a spark in her eyes, a spark that hinted of resilience.  
  
“You know, Professor Kim really loved you as his student; he always told Dr Kim Joonmyun and I that you were his favourite protégé. And I think it’s evident that he also really loved his job, so much so that he is dedicating himself to the medical community even in his death, even at the objection of his family members. This is the last lesson that he can teach you, so I beg you to do your best and learn as much as you can.”  
  
Deep down, Sooyoung knew that Seul Gi was right. The challenge was getting over her own emotions and her own fears.  
  
As she walked down the street lined with gingko trees, the street that would lead her home, somehow her thoughts jot back to the patient with takotsubo cardiomyopathy that she met during summer internship. He was the most unique patient she had, even Dr Kim said he had not seen such a patient in years. Her patient was nursing a broken heart over the loss of his older brother, and one could see that the loss shattered him, but the effort that he put in to overcome the loss was evident too.  
  
_If someone can try their best to get over the loss of their closest kin, surely she could do the same for Minseok sunbae_, Sooyoung thought to herself. That patient’s weak smile came to mind again, his mouth turning into a rectangle every time he smiled, and somehow, thinking of his smile gave her the strength to move on again.  
  
_I’ll try my best, Minseok sunbae. I won’t let you down._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not medically trained, even though I kind of work in the medical industry, so there may be errors in how I portray the resolution of Minseok’s condition. Whatever I have put in here are to the best of my knowledge. Please feel free to point out if any of the medical logic in the plot is flawed. Thank you!


End file.
